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Mistaken identity.

Although he was chosen for jury duty he seriously wanted to be dismissed from serving. 

He tried every excuse he could think of but none worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench. 

"Your Honour," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honour, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!" 

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."

Hard to Choose?

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. 

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! 

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" 

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

Backfire!

An aging lawyer defending his long-time buddy, an old woodcutter accused of burglary, tried this creative defence: 

"Your Honour! My client merely inserted his arm into the kitchen window and removed a few trifling articles, pies cooling in the summer breeze, to be exact. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to three day's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." 

The defendant smiled. 

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and the two pals walked out.

 

Things You Probably Shouldn't Say to a Cop!


1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the officer says, "Gee son... your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"

You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

How Stupid is Stupid?

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line.

Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without "Cause".

Actual dialog of a former Word perfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.",

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too ****** STUPID to own a computer."

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping at school.
  • "They told me at the blood bank this might happen if I gave too much blood."
  • "This is just a 15-minute power nap so I can be ready for the blasting your going to give me."
  • "I was working smarter - not harder."
  • "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on all that you taught me.!"
  • "This is one of the seven habits of really smart students."
  • "I'm practising to be a school Principal."
  • "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about this class!"
  • "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out what your teaching us."
  • "It worked well for President Reagan, didn't it?"
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the cash money from the bank robbery."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, you wouldn't believe what just happened! Some policemen came with shovels to the house and dug up all the back garden. They didn't seem to find a thing."
The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

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