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Humour

Blonde Humour

December 2003

The Witness

At the height of a Wise Guys gangster trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked the blonde witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The blonde stared placidly out the window, as though she heard nothing.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Miss, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled blonde squeaked, "I thought he was talking to you, I only got this mink stole."


Diagnostic Problems

"I hurt all over my body," the pretty brunette woman tells the doctor.

"Touch the place where it hurts," instructs the good doctor.

She presses her finger to her shoulder and yelps, "Yeeooow, that hurts."

Then pressing her finger to her hip she again winces in pain.

"Ouch!"

Before being stopped by the doctor, she lastly reaches to her knee pressing her finger firmly against the joint and squealing in even greater pain.

"Ouch."

The doctor gently takes the woman's wrist in hand, stopping her from inflicting any further pain upon herself and asked her thoughtfully, "Perhaps you are a true blonde who has dyed her hair brown?"

"Yes, she she squeaked with a smile, you are a good doctor. How did you know?"

"Well, my dear", diagnosed the doctor, "you have a broken finger."


Stunt Blondes

Ten blondes and one brunette were hanging onto a rope that was tied to a small stunt airplane in flight. The rope was coming apart. They knew that one of them needed to let go because the weight of all eleven of them would soon break the rope and they would all fall and perish.

So, they argued back and forth about who was to let go. This went on for a few minutes, until the brunette finally said, "Ok, I'll let go!"

The brunette gave a little speech about why she would go and said a teary farewell. All of the blondes were so touched they started clapping vigorously. The brunette just smiled and held the now empty rope a little tighter.

Blondes are-not-so-dumb Convention

80,000 Blondes gathered at Wembley Stadium for a "Blondes-Are-Not-So-Dumb" convention. The master of ceremonies says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not so dumb. Can I have a volunteer?" One pretty little blonde steps up, so the master of ceremonies asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "Eighteen." Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

The master of ceremonies says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of
getting 80,000 of you here along with media from all over the world, I guess we can give her
another chance." So, asks her, "What is 5 plus 5?" After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "Ninety."
The master of ceremonies sighs. Everyone is crestfallen and the blonde starts crying. Again, the 80,000 girls start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

Unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, the master of ceremonies finally says, "Okay! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "Four."
The stadium of 80,000 blondes start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

Blonde Detectives

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does
in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?


"That's easy," the blonde replied.
"He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.


The Blonde and The Lawyer

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Vancouver to Toronto. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the internet and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Capital Blondes

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the provincial capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the provincial capitals!"

The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Ontario?"

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's "
O"!"

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