Humour Using the bank machine Male Procedure 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Wind down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Wind up window. 7. Drive off. Female Procedure 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine. 3. Re-start stalled engine. 4. Wind down the window. 5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card. 6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror. 7. Attempt to insert card into machine. 8. Open car door to access machine some distance from car. 9. Insert card. 10. Re-insert card the right way up. 11. Re-enter handbag for diary with PIN # written on inside back page. 12. Enter PIN. 13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 14. Enter amount of cash required. 15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror. 16. Retrieve cash and receipt. 17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside. 18. Place receipt in back of cheque book. 19. Re-check make-up again. 20. Drive forward two metres. 21. Reverse back to cash machine. 22. Retrieve card. 23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder & place card into the slot. 24. Re-check make-up. 25. Re-start stalled engine and move off. 26. Drive for 3 - 4 miles. 27. Release hand brake. Our version of How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days 1. Sit in your parked car on his street and point a hair dryer at passing cars. Do this each day. 2. Page yourself over the intercom at his work. At the mall. In the grocery store. 3. Every time he asks you to do something, ask if he wants fries with that. 4. Wear bare feet and running shoes five sizes too big. 5. Paint your toenails... during Sunday dinner at his parents' home. 6. Develop an unnatural fear of air. Remember your fear every time things seem to be going well. 7. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 5 days. Once you have lost your caffeine tolerance, switch to espresso. 8. Reply to everything he says with the name of an animal from the zoo. 9. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." 10. Adjust the tint on his monitor so that the brightness level lights up the room. 11. Don't use any make-up or deoderant. 12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 13. Ask his friends as you first meet them what sex they are. 14. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 15. Sing along at the opera and aty the theatre. 16. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 17. Find out where he shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after he does. 18. Send e-mail to his ex' to tell her what you're doing. 19. Wear each of your shoess on the worng foot. Encourage him to do the same. 20. Seven days in advance, tell him you can't attend his birthday party because you're not in the mood. 21. Ask him if 911 is for emergencies. Ask the same question each day. 22. Call the psychic hotline and pass the phone to him saying, "I told you so." 23. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!","I Won!" 24. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!" 25. Tell him, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's their tone of voice that is bothersome." 26. Every time you see a broom, yell, "Honey, your mother is here!" The REAL Rules Moon Shot Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping out on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" were televised to Earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the lunar lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On 5 July 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 - year - old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. ( Mr.Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.} In 1938, when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky ---- "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" STUPID QUESTIONS ASKED BY LAWYERS OF WITNESSES ON THE STAND 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" 4. "Were you alone or by yourself?" 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 6. "Did he kill you?" 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" 10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?" 11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?" 12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" 13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?" 14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?" 15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male or a female?" 16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work." 17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people." 18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral." 19. Q: "Do you recall the time when you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." 20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel." 21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood." 22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere." The Rules as Dictated by Men * We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. * Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. * Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. * Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. * Crying is blackmail. * Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! * Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. * Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. * A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. * Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. * If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. * If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. * If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. * You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. * Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. * Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. * ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. * If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. * If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. * If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. * When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. * Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Hockey, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. * You have enough clothes. * You have too many shoes. * I am in shape. Round is a shape. * Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping. * Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. * Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education A LOT OF HOT AIR A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a fellow down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Tech Support," says the balloonist. "I do," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must work in management." "I do," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault." GREAT BUMBER STICKERS SPOTTED AROUND NORTH AMERICA (Contributed by E-Mail friends) * I love cats ... they taste just like chicken! * Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. * Cover me. I'm changing lanes. * As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. * Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. * Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep... * I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... ... Not screaming and yelling like the other passengers in his car... * I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. * Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT! * When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. * I took an IQ test and the results were negative. * Where there's a will, I want to be in it! * If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? * Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students! * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. * Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. * i souport publik edekasion * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. * 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. * Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? * Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. * Engineers, 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. * I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.